Dear Reader,
Every Yeti schoolchild knows that the rarest and most exquisite of tea plants, Camellia
yetiensis, was first cultivated in
my Tibetan hometown, East Kuchester, which does not appear on your Western maps but which
boasts a climate most favourable to the growth of small, shrublike trees.
C. yetiensis is shown above, as is a likeness of jolly Ku Dung Nik, who brings gifts to good
little
Yetis on Christmas Eve and who is shown here bedecked with the leaves of our native tea plant. Of
course, if he/she does not find a cup of good, hot tea on every mantelpiece, the entire village is put to
the
torch at once, but this has not happened since 2737 BC.
Before I go on, I must ask you all to get rid of any Earl Grey tea in your homes. This bergamot-soaked
preparation is responsible for all the halitosis and involuntary muscle spasms in the world! I know
for a dead certainty that it causes swollen adenoids and inflammation of the gums! Is his your idea of
a refreshing beverage? Surely not! Sensitive tea drinkers do not stay in the same room with that foul
concoction! Pitch it out before you are made a laughingstock! Even if you have no regard for your
own personal wellbeing, spare a thought for others around you! Who knows what may happen if Ku
Dung Nik spots it on your shelves!
This brings us to the selection of teas for specific and
general occasions, a propos of which Col. Rohde has asked me to pen a few words .
You cannot go wrong with TipTop’s
1657
Blend, so named to commemorate the year in which Col.
Rohde’s great-grandmother, Evangeline “Wrong Way” Rohde, wandered onto our hillsides and
thus
became the first human to discover that C.yetiensis was far more than an ornamental
Himalayan shrubbery. This rich tea is the original native blend served at every table in
four-star
Yeti restaurants since the Restoration ( circa 2738 BC).
For affairs of state and other formal occasions where cane-banging and chair-throwing are de
rigeur, I suggest the more stimulating St. George’s
Blend or St. Kilda Blend , although these are not recommended for human children’s
consumption.
Persons under 35 years of age should be served the naturally sweet, mildly hallucinogenic
Wombat Blend, which is also
said to cure the common cold.
On Christmas Morning,
however, no other tea will do but
Rohde’s Black Cliffs
Breakfast Blend, so named for the towering yet well nigh invisible Black Cliffs of Swinehurst. Many
a ship’s
company has been dashed to bits against those storm-battered heights whilst pursuing the
source of this tea’s
hypnotic aroma. Mrs. Grogan, the cook at Swinehurst, has always been partial to this spicy blend. If
you
live
near the shore, perhaps you might take a page from Mrs. Grogan’s book! The old carol, "I Saw Three
Ships ," will take on a new meaning! Meanwhile, the Black
Cliffs Blend will insure that your own Christmas Day is cheerful indeed.
I hope that this has all helped to make your holidays bright, dear reader, and I look forward to seeing
you here at Swinehurst, my adopted home, quite often! We do so enjoy your company any time of
year!
Cordially,
Dr. Milton Ku