Swinehurst, August 1997 Prospects of a scheduled Danger Park
Grand Opening at Swinehurst were marred last
week when
twelve safety inspectors and an undisclosed number of holiday guests failed to return from test
rides in the swampland adventure park.
"I feel sure I told them that the .50 calibre machine guns mounted on the gondolas were not quite
ready," said Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, nephew of Col. A.C.E. "Gordon" Rohde and the originator
of
Danger Park , which features a variety of participation rides for thrill-seekers of all ages. "Perhaps
they didn’t hear me, owing to the storm and my uncle’s ill-mannered hounds."
Flutterblast, who
appeared to be inebriated during the press conference held in the Swinehurst West Wing, vowed
that the park would open "and make millions," enabling him to purchase upgraded computer
equipment and "gin by the boatloads."
Dr. Milton Ku, a Yeti dignitary and frequent houseguest at storm-battered Swinehurst, told
reporters he had warned Flutterblast not to incorporate the Hellzapoppin Carnauba Hot Wax
Carwash apparatus as part of the Hellgizzard and Widowmaker rides, as this would cause the
gondolas to "fly off the tracks as easily as a child spits out watermelon seeds" and would most likely
propel riders into the nearby Quicksands of Time attraction. Ku also noted that the dark,
impenetrable swamp was home to a variety of "monstrous creatures" who are far more dangerous
than any mechanical rides.
The missing safety inspectors had also been slated to test the G-Force Abattoir ride, which
involves strapping riders into individual seats which are attached to bungee cords and
horizontally catapulted at 200 mph towards piston-mounted whirring helicopter blades. Earlier
tests using sandbags had uncovered a design weakness in the bungee cord connections, which
became detached from the seats at passenger weights above 60 lbs.
Athena Flutterblast, director of the world-renowned Swinehurst Engineering
Abnormalities
Research Institute, would not comment beyond acknowledging that prehistoric and carnivorous
beasts did in fact exist in the swamp where her son "Bingo" has developed the troublous Danger
Park.
Reliable sources quoted highly placed Swinehurst household staff as saying,
"Bingo’s done for when the Colonel gets back ." It has been learned that Col. Rohde, away on tea
business in Hong Kong and St. Kilda, was not told about the swamp development on Swinehurst
during his absence.
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Don't take any notice of these Park Safety crybabies. I quite enjoyed the
Hellgizzard ride and have put in for a seasonal pass to Danger Park.
Stop that Moe what's-his-name at once! He has stolen one of my wigs! Am I to be
surrounded by these clumsy, boisterous organ grinders and wig thieves day and night!
Swinehurst has become a gypsy picnic behind the Colonel's back!
Where are my pencils? How am I to finish the Danger Park Sonata in time for the
grand opening! I cannot work under these conditions.
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