I can't think why. No one has bothered to ask about my views on the matter since 1789, when I was elected president, and not made king, of the United States of America .

A very thankless and tiring business, public office, but someone has to do it or millions would have to attend endless boring meetings, which everyone hates excepting communists and those hairshirted bloody witch-hunting fanatics in New England.

Not that I mean any criticism of our Yankee cousins, far from it! In my view, however, their minds have been affected by all those tongue-twisting French and Indian place-names, and by the way any school child can see they're spelt wrong, surely. Why they couldn't stick to regular English names is beyond me. Connecticut indeed! Massachussetts! Vermont! What were those Puritans thinking, that's what I'd like to know. Is it any wonder there were witches all over the place? Well, you can keep your old clam chowder and indigestible corn puddings, I'll take Virginia cookery anyday.

Now as to class, I was involved with all sorts of fellows during the Revolution, most of them very civilised even though my mother warned me they were NOCD. In the end everyone thought it best to pretend there were no classes, which just shows how well we all got on with one another once Ben Franklin(family had to buy their silver) was packed off to Europe on little diplomatic errands . Took his time at it, too, I might add, but of course no one in his right mind would hurry back to Philadelphia.

Putting the nation's capital in Washington (named after yr.hbl.svt., alas) District of Columbia turned out to be a clever idea vis a vis levelling the classes, although I was safe among the grateful dead when this came about. Unnecessarily requiring hundreds of elected officials to leave their home districts for that Babylonian cuspidor has no doubt prevented a good deal of class mischief, as the entire government is well away from the rest of the native population. Who knows what conflicts might ensue otherwise, what with local rate-payers constantly banging on one's office doors, demanding attention to every little thing and louring at the staff. No government can operate under such conditions!

I quite liked Thos. Jefferson's lines about all men being created equal and inalienable rights and Pursuit of Happiness etc. etc.(Declaration of Independence, and say what you will about Jefferson, he had a lovely handwriting) but, to speak plain, I think most common folk are satisfied with a nice dwelling-house for themselves and their families and a decent pension in old age.

I wanted to put some sort of guarantee along those lines in the Constitution but no, everyone said it would give offence to The Virtuous, particularly The Thrifty (Franklin's hobbyhorse, forever harping on his 'Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned' motto). That's rich, coming from the House of Burgesses crowd! Never mind that their ancestors got their estates the old fashioned way: patronage, stolen labours of slavery, matrimonial contracts, and outright theft! I'd have said as much but my dentures were playing up at the time.

Still, the policy of pretending there are no classes has actually proven quite sound, with little adjustments here and there in latter years. Dr. Fraud, a "mentalist" who often joins us for tea here at Swinehurst, calls it the greatest example of group delusion in Western history! Owing to that gentleman's extraordinary foreign accent I couldn't quite make out the rest of his conversation, but its tone was unmistakably complimentary.

So there you are! Just draw a veil over class distinctions, particularly in official documents or when making speeches, and you'll see it works like a charm. Good manners, that's the ticket! As proof, one needs look no further than Marie Antoinette(you see? French), who embarrassed the daylights out of polite society with that outrageous cake business . Rude as all getout, telling the public what they should eat! Quite uncalled for!

Now I am off to tea at Swinehurst, so in parting I will say E Pluribus Unum, a motto which was inexplicably engraved beneath that heathenish pyramid-eyeball on the One Dollar silver certificates bearing my likeness. They plastered Franklin's fat face all over the Hundred Dollar notes, by the way, but never mind. Very few people will ever see it.

- Geo. Washington