"Dear Colonel,
I am ever so glad you are back at The Gazette, and not a moment too soon for my little dog Hooty's sake! He has been behaving oddly, chewing at the legs of the piano and passing wind almost all the time and constantly trying to get at my father's new pet cockatoo, whose name is Napoleon but I call him Nappy. But I am worried because Hooty has started gobbling more and more of his dog food in the rudest way, which is not at all like him, and Mum says he will soon be eating us out of house and home. Does this mean we will all have to live outdoors ? Every day I have let him eat his fill of the rabbit haycob too, but now the rabbits have begun stamping their feet quite loudly when they see Hooty and I am afraid they are signalling to the Black Rabbit for help! My friend Alice was let out of the Home last month because they said her behaviour has much improved owing to her apprenticeship at the veterinary clinic and she told me there was no help for it, Hooty must have a special surgery or he will go mad and run away into the woods and the farmers will shoot him on sight. I cannot tell my parents because they mustn't find out I had anything to do with Alice, whom they say should be put in a deep hole or packed off to a madhouse in Australia."
Signed,
Muffin in Poultney
Dearest Muffin,
I, too, am glad to be back! There is no place like home! According to my past correspondence files you must be 12 years of age by now, and little Hooty must be getting on in years as well, so perhaps he is exhibiting the first stage of canine mental erosion. I am sending along a packet of Dr. Ku's herbal remedy for this disorder. All the Yetis add this powder to the food for their aging dogs at the first sign of dementia, and I have given it to my hounds with very satisfactory results. Meanwhile, it is most unwise to let Hooty eat the rabbits' haycob, as it will expose him to merciless ridicule in the barnyard. The cruel remarks of other animals will only worsen his desperation! I have no doubt that his attacks on poor Nappy were provoked by such taunts! The derisive comments of cockatoos and magpies will drive any dog to the snapping point!
As to your mother's complaint, I doubt you will have to live outdoors, although that in itself is not a bad thing, as millions of Druids and gypsies can tell you.
Now we come to Alice, whose behaviour I continue to view with great concern. You must obey your parents by having nothing to do with Alice, especially now that she seems to have become unhinged owing to her veterinary job training. Hooty will be back to normal once he's started on the powder, and if Alice carries on practicing veterinary medicine without a licence she may well find herself back in the Home, unless the avenging Black Rabbit gets her first. In either of those unpleasant events you must not be anywhere nearby, dear Muffin!
Mind you, the Black Rabbit roams the earth at this time of year, looking for naughty children. Were it not for the interference of the hounds and the triffids hereabouts, my own nephew Bingo, who was always a very naughty child, might have been snatched away by the Black Rabbit many Christmases ago. So you see Alice may be in for a fate worse than the one your parents wish for her!
All Best,
ROHDE
"Dear
Colonel, I take pen in hand to write you concerning a most troublous injustice stemming from the
condition which, as you know, I have suffered for many years. It was quite manageable until a recent
evening when an unexpected episode caused me to be ejected neck and crop from my club. It
happened that a gentleman from the Geographic Society was present and, without warning, this
fellow lashed out a pocket-sized television and bid all there to watch a programme concerning New
Discoveries in Outer Space, or something along those lines, in which he was to appear. Not wishing
to seem odd, I ventured a glance at the tiny screen, and what to my wondering eyes should appear
but actual footage of The Full Moon! Too late I realized my mistake and, to that gentleman's sad cost,
within moments I was transmogrified into vulpine form. It was then that I lost track of events, but next
day a few of the old boys told me that the club rooms were no longer at their best. Well, I paid for the
damages and funeral expenses in full, but now the club governors have told me that I am persona
non grata there! Have you ever heard of such a thing? Is there no fellow-feeling and loyalty to be
found in polite society today? Mind you, the Geographic Society troublemaker has not been asked
to resign his membership. You were dead right about that GS crowd."
Signed,
Tatami
Yogami, WoodburyDear Tatami,
I am not a bit surprised, and as a Gazette
correspondent of some long standing you should have known to stay well away from any GS
persons! The misfortune of others is their heart's delight! Of course, how were you to know your club
harbored a nest of serpents! Think yourself lucky to have been expelled , and you will soon
be refunded the payments they so impertinently exacted or Dr. Ku will know the reason why! Upon
reading your letter , he left at once for Woodbury. There is every possibility that the club remnant
who survive his visit will be off to the real estate agents ere long. Meantime, dear Tatami, you must
repair to Swinehurst at your convenience where, as ever, you will be restored to a cheerful
demeanour in your accustomed West Wing quarters. Nowhere on earth will you be safer from the
treachery of the Geographic Society!
Until then, don't be seen anywhere near your old club as the
authorities may be combing through the debris for some little time.
All Best,
ROHDE
Arthur: An ExtraordinaryInvention
"Dear Colonel, It was with great interest that I read the letter to
you from the excellent Mr. Crabbe, misunderstood inventor of the Fling-0-Lator, and I quite agreed
with your advice to ignore the criticism of mediocre minds. As it happens I, too, am an inventor, and I
wonder if you might take a look at the enclosed materials when time permits? I call my invention the
Sick Helmet, prototype enclosed. As you will see, this rather simple electrical device has
applications far beyond its primary use, i.e. as an aid to honest persons who wish to legitimately
avoid unpleasant engagements."
Signed,
Arthur J. Stanton,
Leiminster
DearArthur,
I must admit that, at first blush,my dear sister Athena
and I were inclined to disapprove of your battery-operated invention, which appeared to be an
oversized motorcycle helmet with very small, multi-coloured light bulbs set to blink on and off
rather brightly on the inside of its extraordinary opaque visor.
However, in the interest of
science, we each took a turn putting on the helmet and switching on the visor lights to the LO blink
setting. I say without fear of contradiction that the Sick Helmet is marvellously effective! I was
dizzy, nauseated and feverish in less than ten seconds! In even less time, Athena fell to the floor
unconscious (saved from head injury owing to the helmet's sturdy polymer construction - top
marks!) and covered with hives almost immediately.
We dared not test the MED or HI settings,
dear Arthur! The effects of LO would be quite enough to excuse one in good conscience from all work,
school or social obligations, days on end!
You are quite right to foresee many uses for the Sick
Helmet inavoidance of otherwise inescapable unpleasantness. However, I must recommend
that you abandon the extra "Go Away" transmitter attachment outlined in your notes, as the
broadcasting of a high-pitched whining sound might attract hundreds of dogs at a most inopportune
moment.
The other optional ("MegaGo Away") attachment is of limited use to us here at
Swinehurst, where we seldom if ever find ourselves beset by circumstances described in the
user's manual (overcrowded restaurants, long bank lines, etc.).
I thought perhaps my friend Mr.
Benny Robinson might have use for it at the stock exchange, but he assures me that a device which simply
emits the sensation of rats crawling up one's leg would have little or no effect in that setting. He asks
you to consider replacing it with something that induces the sensation of True Bill Handed Up or
Tidal Wave Destroys Cayman Islands.
All Best,
ROHDE