Be Of Good Cheer!

Greetings from Col. R	Bingo's Notes	Guest Article by Dr. Milton Ku
Col. R's Bon Mots	Bingo's Annual Swinehurst Quiz	Letters and Replies A little help is worth a great deal of sympathy
Will she return to Greenland?	Is there no end to his knavery?	Mum's the word
	Guest Article

Meteor Hits Dismal Swamp
S.E.A.R. Labs Now On Brink Of Crater
West Wingers Upset By Unwanted Guests

by Francoise Jacques Paul Tete d'Oiseaux, G&ST-C correspondent

Swinehurst, Dec.5,2004  Dr. Athena Flutterblast, directress of Swinehurst Engineering Abnormalities Research Laboratories and sister of international tea magnate and Gazette publisher Col. A.C.E. "Gordon" Rohde, suffered minor abrasions and a temporary hearing loss but was otherwise unhurt when a meteor fell to earth and just missed destroying the SEAR facility in the Dismal Swamp. The impact of the meteorite reverberated throughout the Northern Hemisphere and left a crater two miles across, tossing enormous clots of muddy vegetable matter into the Cyberlag atmosphere.

Waving off solicitous inquiries, Dr. Flutterblast told bespattered and rain-soaked reporters at the scene that SEAR "has survived worse damage over the years" and that, apart from cracked masonry and shattered windows, the swamp facility was "miraculously intact."

Col. Rohde, bracing himself against the freezing rain, surveyed the crater today and remarked that it would soon fill up with water. "I should think," Col.Rohde told reporters, "we'll have a nice new skating pond by Christmas."
Dr. Flutterblast agreed, enthusiastically noting that the result would be a new aquatic ecosystem under the ice "just a few feet away from the lab."

Swinehurst houseguest and noted Yeti astrobiologist Dr. Milton Ku, who is head of Cyberlag Emergency Services, assured the space aliens residing in the swamp that they were in no danger.
Col. Rohde reminded any displaced aliens that, if their dwellings had been pulverized in the mishap or rendered uninhabitable in the aftermath, they were welcome to lodge in the West Wing.

Not all Swinehurst residents and guests welcomed the space aliens' arrival in the West Wing, however.
"I think it may be unwise," said longtime West Wing guest Mr. J.S. Bach, "to have space aliens muddying up the halls and carousing hours on end, singing their dreadful songs and carrying on like heathens. Next it'll be freemasons and pirates roaming the halls, mark my words, never forgetting that space aliens are often mistaken for the denizens of Faerie, whom the pirates and Yetis fear and loathe most especially."

Mr. Wolfgang Mozart said he didn't mind the heathenish carryings-on but thought the space aliens "might feel more at home" amongst the Yetis, "who share their superstitious beliefs concerning the afterlife."
Mr. Bach told Mr. Mozart, "I'd have said the aliens share the Yetis' superstitious beliefs concerning personal hygiene, to put it delicately. We may have shaken off our mortal coils," he huffed, "but our olfactory senses persist well into the afterlife."
"That," Mr. Mozart commented, "is very true, and may explain why your perfumed wigs activate my sneezing fits and cause my eyes to smart and water, even when we are outdoors."

Another West Wing houseguest, Mr. Ludwig Beethoven, appeared to be perplexed by the excitement and inquired, "What's all this business about? Why are there a dozen odd-looking little gypsies setting up camp in the quarters next door to mine? And who," he demanded, lashing out an earhorn from beneath his cape," has been throwing mud at my windows? Look at this, my best earhorn, ruined by scraping off frozen mud. I cannot work under these conditions. How am I to finish my Swinehurst Christmas Sonata in time for the Colonel's birthday celebration? As it is, my pencils have all been stolen."

Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast shouted, "Never mind these old gits worrying about space aliens and pencils and a bit of mud when half the swamp is gone, Mum's laboratory is tottering on the brink of a crater, and Uncle Gordon has gone mad, searching the cellars for his ice skates."

Flutterblast, emotionally exhausted and evidently inebriated, collapsed to the floor and was still unconscious when removed by Yeti medical technicians to his rooms at Swinehurst.
"Here, look through his pockets," Mr. Bach cried after the technicians, explaining that one of his Waterford denture glasses had recently been "swiped" from its customary place on the night table. "Don't take any notice of Bingo," Swinehurst cook Mrs. Gladys Grogan told reporters, assuring them that Col. Rohde's nephew would be "fit as a fiddle" by Christmas.

A disquieting final comment was heard from Dr. Milton Ku, who told reporters, "Don't be surprised if we learn that the so-called meteorite was, in fact, a projectile launched from a Geographic Society vessel with the intent to destroy Swinehurst property."

Tea was served at Swinehurst, where Col. Rohde told the gathering to be of good cheer and to remember that "all these little things are sent to try us."

Yetis Launch Swinehurst Emporium

by Francoise Jacques Paul Tete d'Oiseaux, G&ST-C correspondent

Swinehurst, September 2003  Fed up with the irregular publishing schedule of The Gazette, officers of the Yeti Trades Council (YTC) have opened The Swinehurst Emporium to the general public this month in response to the concerns of Cyberlag's labouring class, said Yeti syndicalist and theoretical astrophysicist Dr. Milton Ku, who is President of the YTC's Lithographers Chapter and manager of the Yeti All-Cyberlag Bloodbeast LaCrosse Club.

"I hate to see the lads idling about and getting into mischief during Gazette layoffs," said Ku, "as it tends to affect their metamorphic cycles in dangerously unpredictable ways."

The Yetis, who spend half the year as women and the other half as giant ape-like males, become easily deranged and violent when their transmogrification is adversely affected by periods of unemployment and/or impecunity, especially after the LaCrosse season ends, Ku explained.

The Yeti unemployment/violence effect was first observed in 1952 by world-famous Engineering Abnormalities research scientist Dr. Athena Flutterblast, who said that present layoff conditions "bid fair to re-create the Yeti Uproar of '51," a reference to the Yeti group psychosis which left the Great Dismal Swamp in a shambles.
"I welcome the opening of this new establishment," said Flutterblast, "as it will keep the minds and energies of Gazette workers productively occupied instead of turning to bloodthirsty mayhem in their idle hours."
Flutterblast recalled that a past "jobs programme" which attempted to train Yetis in the extraction of huile de triffide (triffid oil) at the plant operated by Swinehurst Engineering Abnormalities Research Labs, of which she is the director, had ended in confusion and disaster.

Col. A.C.E. "Gordon" Rohde, Gazette publisher and international tea magnate, said the YTC's Emporium enterprise at Swinehurst had his "admiration and fullest support," noting that the apparel and other merchandise offered was "very modern" and adding that, especially as the alternative to indolence-induced violence and destruction, "all labour is honourable, a notion which has not the slightest meaning to slugabeds like my worthless nephew Bingo."

Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, reached for comment in his West Wing quarters,insisted that the idea for the Emporium was "instigated" by Swinehurst houseguest Nigel "Nobby" Robinson. "You can be sure he put the Yetis up to it, and with himself as venture capitalist of this new enterprise, right under Uncle G's nose," said Flutterblast, who vowed to "expose the Emporium as a planet-despoiling development scheme."
"The Yetis, who are a lot of grasping, whining hairballs and crybabies to begin with," said Flutterblast, "are but pawns in Nobby's scheme to boost his fortune and to insert himself in a position which is rightfully mine."
Asked if he had thus invested in the Emporium, Nigel "Nobby" Robinson replied "Yes, and what of it? I hope that Miss Tessa Grogan will reconsider her planned return to Greenland and instead agree to stay on here as manageress of The Swinehurst Emporium."

As hurricane winds and driving rain pelted the waiting throng outside, Swinehurst houseguests Mr. J.S. Bach, Mr. Ludwig Beethoven and Mr. W.A. Mozart were among the first to emerge from the Emporium Grand Opening Extravaganza.

"Nary a peruke nor periwig to be found," said Bach, "and the apparel on offer was not in the slightest becoming to a refined member of society, but I suppose we mustn't expect too much from the heathenish Yetis who know nothing about such matters. I did, however, find a nice protective valise for carrying sheet music and biscuits in all weathers."

"Perhaps Bach should acquire one of the hooded pullovers, although it would take an enormous hood indeed to cover such a big head," remarked Mr. Beethoven, who added that he had purchased "a very nice coffee cup" and other curiosities from the new shop and had advised the storekeepers to stock a selection of pencils.

"I quite liked the decorative little rubber patches, and bought several to patch the upholstery of my piano bench. I can't think why the patches are called 'mouse pads,' unless it is because mice chew holes in piano bench upholsteries."

Col. Rohde, who was away in St. Kilda on TipTop Tea business and thus unable to attend the Swinehurst Emporium grand opening, sent greetings and congratulations to the YTC praising their initiative and contribution to the Cyberlag economy.

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Triffid Festival Marred By Plants Rights Demonstrators

by Francoise Jacques Paul Tete d'Oiseaux, G&ST-C correspondent

Swinehurst, August 2003   The annual Swinehurst Triffid Festival, attended by over 10,000 guests, was briefly interrupted when more than 100 militant demonstrators from the Greenland Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Plants (GAPCP) blocked the entrance gates to the ring where the championship triffid fights tournament, an event which is the traditional highlight of the festivities, is held.

Col. A.C.E. "Gordon" Rohde, Gazette publisher and international tea magnate, waved to the crowd of protesters whilst greeting sport enthusiasts and festivalgoers from atop a Land Rover driven by his nephew, Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, whose erratic driving caused the crowd to scatter on all sides. "Think yourselves lucky the fifty-calibre is jammed at present," Flutterblast shouted from behind the wheel, waving his arms and flinging several empty bottles into the crowd before leaping headlong from the vehicle and collapsing to the ground. He was rushed to safety by members of the Yeti LaCrosse Team, one of whom intercepted and ate a large stone hurled by a GAPCP provocateur.

The stone-throwing radical was captured at once by pirates and identified as Tessa Grogan, president of the International Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Plants (IAPCP) and niece of Swinehurst cook Mrs. Gladys Grogan. "The poor girl was only aiming at Bingo," said Mrs. Grogan, "which is perfectly understandable, and certainly no reason to be arrested by the Wreckmaster's Security officers."
"Nonsense!" remarked world famous Yeti astrobiologist and LaCrosse coach Dr. Milton Ku, "anyone can see these plant-hugging radicals are violent, insensate criminals and are, no doubt, unwitting puppets of the bloody-minded Geographic Society!"

Tessa Grogan, weeping and visibly shaken by the cutlasses rattling on all sides, was remanded to the custody of Cecil "Nobby" Robinson, nephew of Col. Rohde's long-time financial advisor and close personal friend Benny "The Clam" Robinson. The action was taken at the behest of Col. Rohde, who fired several shots into the air to restore a climate of peace and order.

"I regret," announced Col. R as the hubbub was abated by threat of deadly force, "that there appears to have been a misunderstanding on the part of some festival guests with regard to this time-honoured sporting event, for which triffids worldwide have been training year-round. Ours is not to question the innately combative nature of these fighting triffids, nor the religious beliefs of those who find the contest objectionable. I must warn you all," Col. R. added, "that, come what may, the triffids will fight, all objections notwithstanding. Experience tells us that any attempt to interfere would expose all festivalgoers present to mortal danger. Therefore, all those who wish to leave the festival now are welcome to assemble at the foot of the Black Cliffs, where young Mr. Cecil "Nobby" Robinson has graciously offered his uncle's yacht as transport to the offshore vessels of departing guests. I am sure his dear uncle and mentor, my good friend Mr. Benny Robinson, would approve of this exemplary gesture."

Col. Rohde's announcement ended when intended stoning victim Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast regained consciousness and shouted "Two to one on Triffidus Maxissimus."
Advised that the triffids had not yet entered the ring, Flutterblast turned his gaze to the departing protesters who were following in Cecil "Nobby" Robinson's wake and shouted, "What's this, then? What goes on here? Who is that shifty-eyed git in the cheap suit?"

All replies were drowned out by the roar which arose when Col. Rohde gave the order to fire the traditional 22 cannon salute, whereupon the entrance gates to the annual Swinehurst Triffid Tournament were flung open by Col. Rohde's sister, Dr. Athena Flutterblast,world famous scientist, director of Swinehurst Engineering Abnormalities Research (S.E.A.R), and mother of Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast.

Gale force winds and rain lashed down relentlessly upon the surging crowd, whose voices were raised in song led by Dr. Flutterblast as the 80-member Yeti Concert Orchestra and Marching Band played the Tip Top Tea anthem, "Be Of Good Cheer," signalling the triffids' entry onto the field.

The reluctant departure of the SPCG radicals was all but unnoticed.

After 13 uninterrupted hours of mortal combat, perennial favourite Triffidus Maxissimus was again the victor, having defeated 502 opponents to win the historic Swinehurst/Tip Top Cup and a purse of 502 gold ingots. All agreed that the winner's immensity, an adaptation to the unique climate of the Great Dismal Swamp at Swinehurst, had again proven to be an advantage.

Following the festive closing ceremonies, tea was served beneath a massive canopy in Swinehurst park, at which time the disquieting news was reported that, of the 100 souls escorted to offshore vessels courtesy of MegaMammon VII, Mr. Benny Robinson's yacht, all but Tessa Grogan and Nigel "Nobby" Robinson had been lost at sea.

The multiple shipwrecks were under investigation at presstime but, according to Swinehurst Wreckmaster Guilfoyle ffrench-ffinch, the causes were assumed to be the usual cyclonic storms and the criminal activities of the Geographic Society.

"There is no doubt in my mind," said Col. Rohde, "that the cowardly Geographic Society is behind this tragical occurrence. The GS is the sworn enemy of all plants and plant-lovers worldwide,as every schoolchild knows. Those poor well-meaning souls from the GAPCP never stood a chance once they ventured away from the protected shores of Swinehurst."

"Right," said Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, knowingly pointing a finger at the returning yacht, MegaMammon VII, with only young Mr. Robinson and young Miss Grogan aboard.
"Nobody, apart from the conniving, smarmy pilot and Grogan's lovely niece, ever stood a chance of anything except walking the plank on yon vessel," Flutterblast added, noting it was "plain as day" that Cecil Robinson was "no gentleman."

"No gentleman! That's rich, coming from our Bingo," commented Swinehurst cook Mrs. Gladys Grogan, whose further remarks were cut short in the confusion following the sudden collapse of the canopy and the unexpected arrrival of the hounds, who inexplicably mistook Mrs.Grogan for their quarry until Col. Rohde called them off.

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West Wing Damaged
Coffee Blamed for Hellish Conflagration

by Francoise Jacques Paul Tete d'Oiseaux, G&ST-C correspondent

Swinehurst,Dec.25, 2002 
Col. A.C.E Gordon Rohde's otherwise cheerful 119th birthday celebration at Swinehurst was marred by the eruption of a raging fire which, despite the best efforts of the Yeti All-Cyberlag BloodBeast LaCrosse Club and Fire Brigade (YACBBLC&FB), reduced much of the historic West Wing to a charred ruin.

Although no one was seriously injured, several long-time guests reported severe losses as a result of the two-day unpleasantness.

"Gone! Two hundred perukes and periwigs,all of the finest quality! To say nothing of my irreplaceable Waterford dentures-glasses collection, destroyed utterly by the clumsy louts and lummoxes of the so-called fire brigade!" cried bereft houseguest Mr. J.S. Bach, who suffered minor injuries to his right ankle when he inadvertently trod on the unconscious form of Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, nephew of Gazette publisher and international tea magnate Col. A.C.E. Gordon Rohde. The disoriented Mr. Bach was physically restrained from further stomping upon Flutterblast's inert frame by the intervention of fellow houseguest Mr. Ludwig Beethoven.

Yeti chiropodist and arson investigator Dr. Milton Ku attributed the quick extinction of the blaze to a favourable shift in the weather, noting that it was "most unusual" for hurricanes to develop in December, as constant blizzard conditions prevail in the Cyberlag from November to May.

"I don't like to think what might have happened if 300mph winds hadn't blown all the glass out of the casements," said Ku, who added that all the guests were safely outdoors at the birthday gala when the fire started.

"All but one," Swinehurst cook Mrs. Gladys Grogan remarked, pointing to the prostrate and apparently lifeless figure of Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, whom firefighters had since dragged from beneath a fallen liquor cabinet in the room of West Wing guest Mr.Ludwig Beethoven.

Closely surrounded on all sides by hundreds of agitated New Year's guests and TipTopTea Ltd. employees, Col. Rohde examined the appalling residual contents of a cup which Mrs.Grogan had wrested from his nephew's unresisting grasp.

Visibly disgusted, the Col. thereafter and with uncommon ferocity pitched the offending object into the fireplace of Mr. Beethoven's smoke-blackened chamber.

"Aha! There, do you see? It was coffee, wasn't it! " cried Col. R's sister, world-famous scientist and engineering abnormalities researcher Dr. Athena Flutterblast, rising to the defense of the oblivious and barely recognizable "Bingo",her son. "I hope you are satisfied, Mr. Beethoven, at the outcome of your wretched addiction to this beverage, if such it can be called, " she said, going on to explain that the "dangerously unstable" chemical composition of coffee was responsible for the delirium which had caused her son to accidentally topple the liquor cabinet, thus upsetting the hurricane lamps from their accustomed perch.

"Not bloody likely," Mr. Beethoven muttered, narrowly escaping the wrath of those foregathered whilst Mrs. Grogan swatted her purse at the inert Bingo. "And serve him right," the retreating Beethoven called out, "snooping around my chambers, stealing my pencils, no doubt! Out cold in a pool of gin, but the coffee made him do it! Ha ha! Good thing there was no cream in it! Full of chemicals! Otherwise we might all be on the floor unconscious from exposure to toxic milk fumes!"

Mr. Beethoven's shouted remarks thereafter were indiscernible above the roar of the advancing guests and, in the ensuing hubbub, Col. R's hounds dragged the unresponsive Bingo to a less-trafficked quarter.

To restore the customary climate of peace and order, Col. R fired several warning shots into the air and reminded the guests that they must "be grateful no one was hurt" in the accidental inferno.

Col. R took the opportunity to embark upon his favourite theme (Store Ye Not Up Earthly Treasures) and the guests, their cheerful demeanour thus entirely refreshed, followed him outdoors to resume their New Year's revelry.

Famed organist Dr. Milton Ku led the Yeti dance band which, accompanied by the Jolly Roger Pipe and Drum Corps, led the crowd in the traditional Cyberlag step dance, "The Walls of Swinehurst."

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Last Year's Top Story

by Francoise Jacques Paul Tete d'Oiseaux, G&ST-C correspondent

A mysterious greeting card dated Dec. 25, 1898 and addressed to "Gordon" (Gazette publisher and international tea magnate Col. A.C.E. "Gordon" Rohde) was found this week when a mantelpiece at Swinehurst was accidentally destroyed.

"I warned that wretched boy (a customary reference to Hardy "Bingo" Flutterblast, Col. R's nephew) not to put his new television on the mantel," said Mrs. Gladys Grogan, Swinehurst cook. Grogan further noted that the entire household was under Col. R's strict orders not to bring in any television sets at all, "much less a monstrosity half again the size of a Land Rover."

The mysterious card was discovered just moments after the accident by Col. R's sister, world famous scientist and engineering abnormalities researcher Dr. Athena Flutterblast.

"It was pure luck," Flutterblast noted. " The force of the electrical explosion and flying debris shattered all the windows in the breakfast room, whereupon gale force winds coursed freely throughout the place, tossing everything all about. I noticed the object at once," she said, adding that "It was quite firmly stuck to poor Bingo's forehead when I extracted him from the rubble."

Household sources said Col. R was "shocked and amazed " to hear of the card, and "quite overcome" when he tore open the envelope and read its contents. Many of the 435 Guests foregathered at Swinehurst for Colonel R's birthday party and annual TipTop All-Cyberlag Bloodbeast LaCrosse Club Christmas Tea wept openly at the affecting drama , sources reported.

Honoured guest Mr. Bertram Fleery, spokesman of the Global Teatasters Society, became "wildly hysterical" and was rescued from choking to death on a biscuit by quick-thinking international financier Mr. Benny Robinson (photo at right), who threw him to the floor and stomped on his abdomen. Sources said Fleery quite suddenly jacknifed and spat out the object with such force that, upon impact, it drove Robinson part way through the wainscoting .

"I hope I shall never again have to attend such an enormously tragical and disorienting Club Tea," said Yeti psychic and concert pianist Dr. Milton Ku, a family friend and houseguest.

_______________________________________________
The GAZETTE is printed using all-natural squid fluids
on recycled organic teabag fibres, very suitable
for making banana trees, sword-fighting hats
and puddle boats but conversion to
papier-mache is not advised.
- Yeti Trades Council
____________________________________________

The card contained a sentimental Christmas verse and a handwritten birthday greeting to "My Dearest Gordon," and was signed by "Your Charlotte." All present were emotionally inflamed by the obvious reference to Miss Charlotte Pangborn, Col. R's childhood sweetheart, long believed to have been abducted by a band of Geographic Society photographers.

A post script read: "I have run away with handsome Mr. Puist -Whistler on the GS boat , don't follow me, I am staying at Eastern Star shelter on The Bowery NYC, I am almost out of money but have found a position at Gallus Meg's Tavern, Fondly, Skittles Washington (my false name). "

"There you are!" shouted Col. R's nephew "Bingo," who added, "If it weren't for me, no one would ever have found out her address, would they! To say nothing of that bloody awful nom de plume. " Sources confirmed that the apparently inebriated Bingo fortuitously escaped a severe beating when he collapsed unconscious to the floor .

Fresh sobbing, cane-banging and shouting erupted after Dr. Milton Ku snatched the card from Col. R and, after careful scrutiny, declared it a fake. "This cruel hoax is, by far and away, the most underhanded and shameless blow ever struck by the diabolically treacherous Geographic Society!" Ku cried .

All eyes turned to the unconscious lump on the floor, sources said, as Ku went on to say that "without doubt, there is a traitor amongst us" who planted the bogus 1898 greeting card as part of a "long and continuous" Geographic Society spitework campaign directed at Swinehurst.

"The Bowery, indeed! Of course that gives it away, doesn't it, " said Dr. Athena Flutterblast, explaining that in 1898 the Eastern Star "would never have set foot in such a disreputable quarter of New York City."

Hundreds of chair-throwing, table-pounding guests cheered and whistled when Col. R lashed out a revolver and fired several shots into the air, whereupon his hounds burst into the chamber and set upon a feathered hat worn by elderly tea-guest Mrs. Welland DeVeaux Linacre.

"That'll do," said Col. R, who tossed the card back into the rubble and reminded all present to reflect upon the motto of his grandfather, international tea merchant and Gazette publisher Col. S.L.A.M "Gordon" Rohde: "Seeking after the truth is always, as a practical matter, certain to end badly."

 

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      Col. R's Biographical Notes